Weeds and Haute Couture

There are weeds, and then there are Weeds.  To be clear, this is not about “weed,” that marijuana stuff.  This is about other weeds.  Like those small pesky things that can be pulled with bare hands after a decent rain.

My garden has plenty of weeds, but some of them look pretty nice, tucked in between the petunias and tomatoes.  So…often I just leave them.  They are green after all, so if they’re providing color and not trying to take over the world, I just turn the other cheek.  A bit of clover that stays put, a violet or five that actually put out attractive flowers in the spring, a stray marigold from last year that reseeded, or even a stalk of maple seedling planted by a squirrel last fall.  They really don’t belong, but there’s no need to hurry to ferret them out.

However, then there are Weeds.  Garlic mustard and honeysuckle, teasel and buckthorn.

Lurking among the sumac and maple seedlings is Oriental bittersweet.  Now, there’s a Weed.  Twelve feet of vine can wind its way up the trunk of a nearby tree, and then reach out to strangle another.  It looks like nothing so much as the serpent of Eden out to climb up to the forbidden fruit.  Getting rid of those kind of Weeds takes more than just a pair of gardening gloves and a tight grip.  That takes machinery!

And so we come to the weeds–clothing, that is–worn to eradicate the worst of the Weeds.  Haute couture for the gardener.

Any use of battery-operated tools necessitates clothing oneself in what might pass as samurai armor.  Thorns, or sticks thrown up?  Okay, long sleeves and long pants, even if it’s 90 degrees in the shade.  Hard stems?  Leather gloves, not those wimpy cotton things that are good for picking tomatoes.  Ticks?  Wellies, gardening boots, anything that covers the ankles.  Falling twigs and, God forbid, bird poop?  A nice big hat, preferably one with a longer back brim to cover the neck.  Speaking of the neck, it’s best to swath it in a bandana.  Does that cover everything.  Not exactly!  Weeds with a capital W do their best to thwart your effort to get them out.  They whip, they strike, they sting!  So, don’t forget the safety glasses.  Or go all the way and use those snorkel or ski goggles that have been sitting in your closet.

Yves Ste. Laurent or Chanel you’re not.  But you know what?  Who is going to see you anyway?  It’s garden haute couture at its best.  And don’t let anyone tell you it’s time to replace your gear.  Those old pair of jeans with paint stains and tight, tight legs?  Those are perfect for confounding the ticks.  That ratty t-shirt that’s faded to a non-descript gray?  Look closely, because it carries evidence of many handwipings, to say nothing of those sweat stains down the middle of the back.  Wash it?  Well, yes!  But replace it?  Never!  The hat?  That fits right to the head, so there’s no good reason to have to break in a new one.  There are, however, two things that are dear to a shopping gardener’s heart:  new garden boots and fresh leather gloves.  And maybe a pair or two (‘cause one pair won’t survive a full season) of soft cloth gloves, just for fun.  Leaky boots are truly awful, and those new ones with purple and pink flowers, or red with white polka dots, are such fun.  The boots really placate the neighbors who are convinced you’re off your rocker.  Yes, you tell them, you are off your rocker, because the rocker belongs on the porch when you’re all finished with work, you’ve showered, and you’re holding a cold sangria.  You’re drinking the sangria for the fruit on the bottom, after all, for its nutritional value.  It’s the reward at the end of the Battle with the Weeds.

Notice, it’s only a battle.  In two weeks, or maybe less, you will be out there once again, suited up to dispose of those pesky weeds which can be easily pulled, which serves as the warmup before you head into the wilderness to stifle, snap, pull and poison the real baddies, the Weeds.

Don’t forget: you’re setting the fashion bar high for the neighbors.  Show your pride!